Have you ever gone swimming on a hot summer's day
And seen the little fishes swimming in the bay
With their hands in their pockets and their pockets in their pants
Doing a little hoochy koochy dance
Well I am going diving in the ocean, actually where the ocean meets the canal in Point Pleasant and it is a training dive, there will be a test. I am the only one who signed up for this so it will be like a private lesson or actually private test. There will be no one there worse than me. Hmmmmmm
This is at 7am I don’t do 7am who decides on this shtuff?
I decide to check out all my divey stuff the day before, while awake and fully caffeinated. All 78 lbs of it. One mask check, 2 fins check one hood check 2 gloves check one snorkel….wait a minute there was something about the gloves, maybe I should have taken the smaller size, I will try them on again. Left glove on, other left glove….oops, even I know this could be problematic. So off to the dive shop I go…. somewhere in that display of gloves is a pair almost exactly the same as mine only righties!
5:30AM comes around awfully quick. I put on my bathing suit and load all 78 lbs of gear in my car and now I have to rest….and pee before I put on “THE wetsuit” Guess who just got up. Dennis! What timing. And he is only retired 11 days! What a quick study. Bastard.
I have “Scuba Juice”. this is a little diver y diver hint I got from one of my buddies on scuba board to help my wetsuit slide on more easily. It is ½ water and ½ hair conditioner in a spray bottle. And when I use tropical scent conditioner, not only will I smell good but the hair on my legs will be soft and manageable. This was obviously from a guy scuba buddy , I hope.
I will wear the jumpsuit portion of “THE wetsuit” to the dive site since it will take an act of Congress and 2 helpers to get it on. I can put the air conditioner on in my car for the trip there. I go out on the back deck and spray “THE wetsuit” and slide it on….kinda….sort of…after 20 minutes and breaking 3 nails.
Dennis is standing in the kitchen window watching me and laughing. Damned old people and their getting up early to pee.
I leave for the dive site. Once there I have to put my gear together and place it on the bulkhead to pull in the water after I get in. Do you see me lifting this thing off there and into the water, me neither. I also have to put the onesie part of “THE wetsuit” on. The part where you DO NOT make a fist in the arm part. Now the arms stretch to twice my arms length before my hand ever gets through. I am now jumping up and down in a circle because I am sure this will help get my hand through the sleeves. (It seemed like a good idea at the time) And I am now trying to get the zipper started when the instructor says “Did I tell you to zip the suit a quarter of the way before you put it on?” NO! Now get the H*** over here and zip it for me. He does and what does he say, “It’s a little big under the arms.” Too freakin bad, I am not buying a smaller one.
A quick lesson in wetsuits. The keep you warm by the thickness of the neoprene starting at about 0.5 ml and going to 7.5 ml (“THE wetsuit” is 7ml) and in the neoprene are air bubbles which compress at depth. Between the neoprene and you are air and water which your body heats up and keeps you warm. Remember that air and air bubble float and so you use weights to sink the suit. Because the air bubbles compress at depth there are a lot of them and they eventually stay kinda compressed after you use them 10 or 20 times and are not so floaty.
I get in the water and I am correct, I cannot drag the tank from over my head into the water while sinking in the sand in the water below it. It is 7AM and 82 degrees and I am wearing a wetsuit that could keep me warm in Antarctica. With a “little” help I am geared up. My BCD no longer velcros shut due to the thickness of “THE wetsuit” “I don’t understand this says the instructor, it fit you fine on Sunday. DOH! “THE wetsuit” We may have to duct tape the tank to you it floats up on you.” Has to be a men thing, but I am not taking all this off and climbing back up there sooo…. We are ready to make the 25 or so yard swim out to the dive site. I put my snorkel in my mouth and start to swim out following the instructor, who keeps talking to me. So I open my mouth to answer and almost drown.
No biggy, us divers are taught not to panic. So I continue on and out of the water comes my fin. No longer on my foot. Lets chase it and catch it and put it back on and the instructor tightens them for me and now I cant get the fins back in the water cause my legs keep on floating to the top. (see wetsuit floaty lesson) So we swim the 25 yards back to put some weight on my ankles.
The park we are diving from is across the street from a 7-11 and people who have walked down to get coffee are now gathering on the benches and watching while drinking their morning coffee.
Now we swim the 25 yards back out to the dive site. I deflate, exhale and….. Nothing happens. Not enough weight to sink the suit, so…..we swim the 25 yards back to put some more weight on my ankles and vest.
Now we swim the 25 yards back out to the dive site. I deflate, exhale and pull myself down on the guide rope and….. Up out of the water shoots a fin like a surface to air missile. My legs go flying over my head and I shoot up to the surface upside down.
Those coffee drinkers are still there and I think they called their friends to come watch. They are probably actually tea drinkers like Dennis. Damned tea drinkers.
So…… we swim the 25 yards back to put some more weight on. I am now wearing 6 ankle weights (about 10 lbs) hooked on to my ankles and at various parts of my equipment and there is no where else to put them so the instructor unzips the neck of my wetsuit and drops a 5 lb lead weight in my suit and zips it up again .
Now we swim the 25 yards back out to the dive site. I still have to do a diver tow where I tow a tired or unconscious diver 25 yards through the water as part of my test. I tell the instructor it is now or never cause I am not swimming back and forth again. So I tow him out to the dive site, now wearing 90 lbs of equipment, 6-8 pounds of extra ankle weights on my ankles. The instructor deflates, goes under and…. And….. And…comes back up. Everything OK? NO! I am the same age as your mother not your wife and am sucking air from surface swimming 175 yards (525 feet) carrying 90 lbs of equipment and your dead ass! Give me a minute. BTW that 5 lb lead weight in my suit is now in my crotch.
I deflate, exhale and….. Go down. It took less weight to sink the Titanic.
After the first 20 feet things start to compress and squeeze out the floaty air bubbles and I plummet like a rock from all the weight. But No biggy, us divers are taught not to panic. I adjust my buoyancy at the bottom and continue on. I pass all my skills and we kind of start to look around.
There is all kinds of cool stuff on the bottom. I probably shouldn’t have stuck that blue point crab in front of the instructors mask while he was trying to pick up a starfish for me to see. I don’t think he was ready for that when he looked up. No biggy, us divers are taught not to panic. Starfish are cool too. And all kinds of other awesome stuff. I like this. Steve the Fish will like this too. I will take him next time.
But now we come up at the bulkhead and have to get our gear off and back up and on the bulkhead. Can I do this? No. I will have to get a big strong dive buddy or this will not work. I ask if this stuff is disposable , you know one time use and you leave it. Apparently not so he gets my tank up on the bulkhead and we start to climb out.
Did you remember the 4 ankle weights on my ankles? Me neither. When I hit the bulkhead there was quite a loud THUMP. Did you remember the 5lb lead weight in my crotch? Me neither.
I have one more test dive and then I will be an official Scuba diver. I am very good at this. Cool huh?
Love
Cheryl